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The Religion of Jesus Me

November 01, 2019 | Bezachin Jifar

The Religion of Love has quiet followers. They are lovers in the non-sexual sense. They worship the kind of Love that keeps them vulnerable. Physical contact is an afterthought if not altogether unthinkable. Since they are always busy being noble, the world would sooner leave them behind before it even dares to pollute their pure hearts. If you see them at the mall, you would never associate their horrible fashion sense with their remarkable integrity. Not that every poorly coordinated fool is a follower of Love but it's definitely safe to say every follower of this religion is not sexy. Although their trustworthiness is evidenced in their desire to comfort you that is not to say they are not suspicious people. On the contrary, they are one of the most suspicious Lovers of all the religion groups out there. Paradoxically though, they are the first to believe you because they believe in Love the most. And they cannot be swayed from their stubborn belief in your ultimate good unless by Love itself or the possibility of it which they dutifully call Mercy. 

The Religion of Sex, on the other hand, has only dissatisfied followers. The more their dissatisfaction, the better they feel about themselves. Insatiability is their gospel of Taste. They are easy to please but find it impossible to remain pleased. Even though they are vehement professors of gratitude, they critically avoid the practice. Because complaint is never a joyful noise in their religion (or in any for that matter) nor is Desire desirable unless it's refined through apathy. In their worship, they only see the Divine looking down at them and so they look down at everyone else to be divine. Fickleness is their theology but they carry it with such gravity as that which would elicit suicide in its absence or in its un-customizable presence. Consequently, commodity is their sacrament which they consume daily and strive to manifest through their flashy lifestyle or the objectifiability of their flesh. Vitality is their currency, Sexiness is their trade, and the Threat of Orgasm is their power. If these devout followers ever manage to never regret a single thing in their years of service to themselves then, in the end, miraculously, they also manage to become merciful. And ultimately even the saving grace of their denomination.  For Regret is Anti-Sex incarnate.

When these two religions are properly confused or mischievously conflated then the current millennial religion is born: The Religion of Jesus Me. This religion is not so much about following as it is about having followers - digital disciples - for you are the Jesus that you yourself worship. And you recruit your believers by believing in yourself. The more extravagant & verifiably photogenic your self-belief, the more attentive the followers you accumulate. And the more followers you accumulate, the more marketable your religious practice. At the heart of your on-brand religion, of course, reigns the selfless sacrifice of your privacy for the presumed monetizable visibility of your existence: The more visibility you attain, the more you ascend to becoming "Alive!" That is to say transcend the death of anonymity from being a nobody and joining the ranks of eternally googable personalities. Make no mistake, as a follower of this religion, you can simultaneously be your own Jesus while you yourself follow someone else become their own Christ. In other words, your followers believe in your Jesus because they desperately want, and actively seek, to convert their own water into wine.